Separation Pain

Phuong’s mother was shocked when she heard of her daughter’s decision to divorce her husband. At the age of fifty and after nearly 30 years of marriage, her mother had trouble comprehending how Phuong could decide such a thing after being married for o­nly a year.

“Young people can divorce for many reasons, and conflict in modern marriages is increasing and becoming more complex,” said a researcher from the Institute of Family and Gender Studies “There is a lack of knowledge about family culture and inexperience about the behaviour found in a marriage, so even trivial arguments are not resolved and begin to sour the relationship.” Marriage counseling, where it exists and when it is accessed, more often than not proves to be of no use.

Unlike rural areas, where traditional values and the notion of family are stronger and divorce is virtually unheard of, in the cities the divorce rate is starting to become a social problem. In Ho Chi Minh City in 1998, 20 percent of marriages ended in divorce. According to Ms Nguyen Thi Anh Nguyet from the Children’s Support and Consulting Line, this number may have risen to 40 per sent.

Thoughts o­n divorce in the wider community fall into three categories: support, agreement with it as a last resort, and complete opposition. It seems, though, that divorce is no longer condemned to the extent it was previously, and the broader exposure to different cultures that’s been seen in Vietnam in the last decade would appear to responsible for the change in thinking. People’s morality is no longer questioned when they become divorced. Instead, it is accepted a part of every person’s right to find happiness in life.

“It is necessary to look at divorce as a normal social phenomenon rather than a moral deviation,” said PhD Nguyen Quoc Anh, Director of the Information Centre at the Vietnam Commission for Population, Family and Children. “In certain cases, divorce is essential in guaranteeing an individual’s rights.” This is especially so for women, who are often the victims of domestic violence or forced to tolerate their husband’s infidelity.

Although the divorce rate in Vietnam is not high compared to other countries (0.4 per sent for men and 1.3 per cent for women between the age of 15 and 49), the actual number of divorces has risen significantly. It doubled from 1991 to 1998, from 22,000 to 44,000. A report from the People’s Supreme Count indicates that numbers rose from 51,361 in 2000 to 54,226 in 2001, 56,487 in 2002, 58,708 in 2003, and 59,551 in 2004.

One of the highest rates of divorce is found among youngsters between the age of 25 and 34. Over 70,000 marriages have ended quickly in 2004 as result of problem encountered in the early stages. During this sensitive early period, many couples find their expectations of their spouse and of married life are not met, and become disenchanted. Fifty per cent of divorces in this age group are due to irreconcilable differences and 25 per cent due to domestic violence. With remarriage somewhat easier and there being less social and family ties than in other age groups, divorce among the young seems certain to increase.

“Our greatest barrier to divorce is our family,” said Nga, a 28 year old woman from Hanoi, who’s found that she and her husband are incompatible. “They do not understand that divorce, in our case, is the best option. They force us to remain together when, really, we feel we can’t.” Her parents and parents-in-law refuse to sanction the divorce because they feel it is not good for their grandson.

Another age group with a high divorce rate is the 45-49 age group with 0.8 per cent, equivalent to nearly 38,000 people. “At the age of 40, after a long time together, people like new things,” o­ne man answered in a survey conducted by the Institute for Family and Gender Studies in 2002. “Men have a job and money, which allows them to have relations with other women.” Naturally, it is easier for men to remarry than for women. While 23.92 per sent of divorced men remain single, 76.08 per cent of women are unable to find a new husband.

Studies show that the divorce rate is higher among people with better educations. “For these people, awareness of individual freedom is high and conflict between their personality and lifestyles can lead to divorce,” explained Dr Le Ngoc Van, Head of the Department for Family Studies. A large degree of mental anguish precipitates such divorces.

“Sixty per cent of divorces are closely related to domestic violence,” confirmed Ms Ngo Thi Ngoc Anh, Vice Director of the Family Department under the Vietnam Commission for Population, Family and Children. Domestic violence has become a serious problem in Vietnam. In southern Tay Ninh province, for example, 86 per cent of women say their husbands have beaten them at o­ne time or another. Meanwhile, research by the World Bank in 1999 put the figure at somewhere between 40 and 80 per cent. Of the 1,665 domestic violence cases reported in Ho Chi Minh City in 2003, 43.6 per cent was physical violence, 55.3 per cent was mental violence and 1.6 per cent sexual violence. For this reason, most divorce proceeding are instigated by the wife.

Adultery is the second highest reason for divorce in Vietnam, causing 5 percent ruined marriages. With more open thoughts about adultery within society, especially in urban areas, the percentage is expected to increase.

In recent years, marriages between Vietnamese women and Taiwanese men have become increasingly common, especially women from southern provinces. As the number of weddings has risen, so too has the number of divorces. The 15-20 per sent divorce rate among this group is also expected to go upwards.

Good or bad, divorce has two faces. It can help women to gain their freedom, especially those who are victims of domestic violence. But many divorced women have a low level of education, unstable employment and low incomes. After being divorced they will face many difficulties in supporting themselves and their children. Not all children receive support from their father, meaning the burden of raising a child tends to fall o­n the shoulders of the mother.

The most vulnerable people in a divorce are without doubt women and children. No report or survey has been conducted to determine how many children in the country are affected by the divorce of their parents. Data from Thua Thien Hue’s People’s Court shows that in 175 divorce cases in the province in 2002, there were 635 children involved. It is clear that the higher the number of divorces, the more burdensome for society, because protecting the well being of women and children is a complex issue.

“Compared to many neighbouring countries, more marriages last the distance in Vietnam,” said Le Ngoc Lan, a researcher at the Institute of Family and Gender Studies. While the government and relevant offices hope for the maintenance of the traditional family model, it seems that many people, particularly women, live in a house but not home.